My ankle hurts.
This afternoon I watched cricket. Then I worked. Now I'm watching more cricket. I also got 6 more stars.
I'm wasting my holidays, and it's good fun. It feels like summer.
I'm pretty pissed off at work. On Tuesday during my day shift I took a few minutes out to fix up the few remaining problems with the tinned cat food planogram. It became perfect, flawless. I was so stoked with it and it was going to solve so many of the capping problems down there.
Then, on Wednesday, the person who's arse I'm covering who keeps making the bad planograms ordered an entire replanogram of the cat food section.
Now normally they replanogram sections when they're adding new lines or taking old ones out. But they didn't do either of those. They just completely re-arranged the cans and changed the amount of facings each line had for NO REASON. They made the most ludacris decions I couldn't even have come up with myself even if I was Forrest Gump on dope. The amount of capping is going to fucking triple now. I was so pissed off. Whoever did it doesn't deserve to live after that effort. I'm going to planogram them a new arsehole. Fucking angry.
*sigh*


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”Oh, she's deaf, I thought she had downs! This actually explains so much.”
Work.
If you work at Woolworths for Five Years you get a badge that says ”Five Years”. I don't see how that's that appealing seeing as you can just by birthday cards for a similar end still it's something to think about. Regan got one on Wednesday and I'm now going to talk about him in my journal. He's worn it every night since. He knocked a jar off the shelf while facing up and then caught it before it hit the ground. That's five years of experience right there.
After we all got out and I said Bon Voyage to Nick.
For some reason the flat top I was spotting at the start of the night had an apron on it. I wore it like a cape the majority of the night and said I was captain Woolworths.
Jack worked down my aisle and we ate a packet of Wagon Wheels biscuits.
I used my packing knife as my blade of fulfillingment and go green shopping bag as my shield of injustice.
See it's a shield of injustice because it shield me from injustice. It's like a double negative.

No Update: At Craigs.

Yesterday: Craigs tooth broke at basketball. In half. So he got it capped and we went to his house
to drink to it's memory. I got drunk. At one stage I had just finished paying out Cowan as I changed seats during Warlords and Scumbags and I sat down on Craigs chair and it imploded. Before it even hit the ground I said ”Craig this chair's almost as weak as your girly teeth.” I don't feel so bad about paying people out when I'm drunk because I'm usually either saying dumb things or spilling stuff on my jumper when I do it so I doubt that anyone takes it too seriously.
That afternoon I bought a whole carton of Crownies for $38. That was cool. I lined them all up on my shelf in some sort of display. Not because I'm especially proud of the fact that I almost own all of a carton of a moderately priced beer but just because it looks shiny and cool.
Then today I put the windscreen wipers blades on my car. Later, I drove, it rained, and I wiped. It was good.


Like my words? Want to buy one of my books? I think you'll like this one:

If you met yourself from the future, what would you ask your future self?
What if they wont tell you anything?

Chase: A Tomorrow Technologies Novella. Available Now for Less than a dollar!


While I was at basketball the other day Mum came into my room to vacuum and generally tidy, which was nice of her seeing I had a lady coming over after basketball and I don't like doing any work myself. Somewhere along the way mum found the drunk Jesus song that Josh, Sam, Ballard, Not Cowan and I had made back in summer when we were all scuttled. Mother, infiltrating the deepest corners of my room to find my most intimate hiding place (on the floor under my desk, yeah, she was vacuuming.) and she found it, read it probably and then left it on my desk with a few other bits of paper that had been on the floor.

Jesus, you are the reason I live
I can't express the feelings you give
Jesus you gave your life for me
and now my love I return to thee
Jesus I submit to you down on my knees
You're the only one I want to please

I want to clap clap Come On! Jesus.
I want to clap clap feel him inside of me
I want to clap clap Come On! Jesus.
Your love it gives me ecstacy

BRIDGE
Jesus your love is flowing
You're getting my juices going
the bulge in my pants is growing
open me wide
fill me up
I want to drink from your holy cup
I Love Jesus written by Brad McNaughton, Not Alex Cowan, Josh Hinton, Sam Marshall, Sam Ballard

And that was as far as we got before I pushed Ballard of the deck and broke his arm.
There's a whole bunch of ideas written on the back though. Pretty much all of this stuff was made to rhyme with hillsong music.


  • Hit me Jesus one more time
  • Jesus you are the reason I exist
    I love the feeling when my asshole's filled with your fist
  • I want to feel you Jesus, specifically, your fist in me
  • Seed of your loin
  • I want to receive your holy facial
  • Get lubed up for me Jesus
  • Jesus Jesus I love you Jesus. You have four exta orafices.

Cowan was originally on the list, then was scratched out because his ideas were shit, but he kept talking, so I specifically wrote "not alex cowan" so that he had absolutely no part in the song.
Speaking of wholesome music, Woolworths have revved up their music policy a bit. I swear almost all of the music today was actually ok. And it's a little bit louder too. Woolworths is focussing on the younger market obviously. There was a mexican guitar solo for about five minutes as well as a rap song and black jazz (tautology, sorry).
Also up until Saturday night I was unaware that Total Eclipse of the Heart was an awesome song and tonight I downloaded it and have been making up for 19 years of not listening to it.
Still, I didn't get out of bed until 4pm today. I didn't get as much sleep as I'd like over the weekend and despite going to bed before 4am and having my alarm set for 12:30pm I snoozed three times before saying "bah!" and turned the alarm of completely and slept to 2:36 from where I played Mario, watched Passions, got up and then basically sat around until work eating breakfast and then dinner an hour later. I can barely remember work now. After work I watched some episodes of King of the Hill and then was reading over some of my old journals. See, I was finding the entry about the night we wrote the Jesus song and from there started reading a lot of everything and it sent messages. Nostalgia, grah! I miss Vivek.
I've also been reminded that this is the best time of my life to be doing some creative fucking around and this morning in the shower I had another idea for a story (I have lots of ideas for stories in the shower, like that Cuba Gooding Jnr. story) and so I'm going to write it tommorow. It's not a great idea, but they never start of great until I start writing and working them. I better have written it by the time I read my journal tommorow so when I write that entry I won't go "Oh :(" because it'll be late at that stage and I want to go to Marion on Wednesday so I need to get up before midday so I wont have hours to write the story because I'll need to sleep and I'll have wasted another day. I also have other ideas for the journal. Such as "Photos of the week" which I'll implement sometime later this week... with photos.
Also note how I didn't say what the idea for my story was, that's because there's an off chance I might die tommorow, and then if people read this they'll be like "no, his idea died with him, and I bet it was wicked."
Golly I'm a scallywag.

Oh :(
(Wednesday 7th July, 5:09am)

Oh My God suprise event day! I got back so late this morning that I thought I'd postpone going to Marion until Thursday, which was the latest it could be because I needed a gift for father for Thursday night. So I slept deep in, got up at 2:30 and was in the shower when Josh rang and said he was going to Marion so I skipped my hour breakfast and went to Marion today, getting the stuff I needed to do done and now Thursday, which was going to be busy, is now empty. So I think I might swap that with Tuesday, which means I'll write my story tommorow. Good Stuff!
Last night I was driving home around 4:15am. I was stopped at the lights on Sturt Road-South Road intersection waiting for them to go green so I could continue up sheps. While waiting, an ambulance, sirens blazing, raced up South Road and turned up Sheps. Other than that there was no one else anywhere on the road. Now here was a challenge. I waited for the lights to turn green, by which time the ambulance was gone, then floored it to try and see if I could catch up with it. I was a bit too eager and got some wheelspin but after correcting that I started getting up to about 90 and I regained visual on the ambulance. Then I started to catch up to it. We were still the only two on the road and I was laughing to myself about how womanly the ambulance driver must be and how funny it would be to overtake a speeding, wailing ambulance in the left lane. I was within metres of it when it turned down to go to the Resthaven old folks home so I didn't get that chance but I almost overtook an ambulance.
Now, some fucking idiots:
I hate the retard who was helping program Mario 64 and decided 1) Signs should be placed on the edge of platforms that were located over lava/bottomless pits and 2) the button to ”read sign” should also be the same button as ”jump forward”.
Also frustrating is the genius that produces the Vitamin C tablets I take. I was told to take two daily, and have been, but then upon looking at the bottle it says ”Adults and Children take 2 tablets daily”. If it's alright for everyone to take two 500mg tablets a day, WHY NOT JUST MAKE A BIGGER TABLET? A double sized tablet would still be very easily chewable and swallowable and it's just so inneficient. Christ.
Good isn't it that I've got nothing better to worry about.

Don't bitch about it not being installed until the weekend, at least you have an airconditioner and you'll get to use it soon. :/

There are starving kids in etheopia who would love to eat that air conditioner.
Also you know how when your foot is dangling in the air for a while and then you put it down quickly all of a sudden it really hurts? WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH THAT?
I get so angry.

No Update: At Craig's burning my fingers:
”I'm getting $1600 dollars for my tax return. Do you think it would be wrong for me to spend it all on lego?”
”PEOPLE SHOULD CARE ABOUT MY LIFE GODDAMNIT!”

No Update: At Mark's LAN:
no additional lines of material.

I should have mentioned that it was going to probably be a busy weekend, but I didn't know what was going to be going on, and for how long, until during it.
Anyway, after going to Hahndorf on Friday and then working that night I went to Craig's house where he was having a bonfire and bullshitted with the guys. ”The Guys”, I don't know if that needs to be capitilised or if you're allowed to be subtlely generic.
There we made plans for Saturday night, during which a few of us went to Jarrad's, I drank the majority of a bottle of Jack (as well as 3 tia maria Tim Tam's) and then wrote the above mentioned drunken tale. Jarrad told me previously that he wanted me to write him a story and, yes, it is supposed to be an extended, barstardised version of a simple joke. At around 2:30am I stumbled out of the living room and went straight to his computer, couldn't find word quickly so ran notepad and began typing. About halfway through I had to urinate, so I saved it as ”gotta pee.txt”, shimmied to the bathroom, got back and couldn't remember writing half of what I was re-reading. Nevertheless, it's quite amusing, especially for me, because I don't know where half of the stuff I wrote came from (the other half I recognise as half-ideas and recycled ones that I already had upstairs, but my brain's like a hypercube.)
Got back from Jarrad's and then had only 4 hours sleep before waking up to watch the Bulldogs get mauled by the lions, which was predictable and unpleasant. Then I left to go to Mark's LAN and overshot his house and got lost in the maze of sidestreets in his suburb. It was like a spiderweb. I can't even find where I was again in the street directory, that's how much of a maze it is. Not to mention the fact that it's split up into the corner of four fucking maps. I don't think I want to talk about that anymore.
Then on Monday I finally got to sleep around 5:30am and slept all day until Happy woke me up when he came to my house at 5pm wanting a lift to Goolwa.
From there I went to work, begrudgingly, came home, watched King of the Hill and then went to sleep again.
King of the Hill was about Christian Punk Bands, said Hank:
”Can't you see what you're doing? You're not making Christianity better you're making rock and roll worse.”
Hilarious and true. Well played.

Slept most of this day away again. Let Erin beat me at Mario Kart, which was painful and boring. Steve's girlfriend came around last night with Steve for dinner. Steve and I had the following conversation about my Khaki Pants:
Steve: Hey, khaki pants, nice.
Brad: Yes.
Steve: Did you buy them yourself?
Brad: I did. And I feel comfortable wearing them, not physically comfortable, but socially comfortable.
Steve: That's great, you're getting some style, but be careful.
Brad: Yeah, Khaki pants are a big step up from jeans. By wearing them you're saying 'Hi, I'm wearing Khaki pants and I know about it. I'm not even in the army.' That's a big step up for me, seeing all I used to wear was jeans. When you wear jeans you're saying 'Hi, I didn't come here naked.'
Steve: This is my girlfriend, isn't she hot and girly?
Brad: Well done.

I bet I'm sick. I woke up this evening and my pee was orange.
I also figured out what makes men and women different:
There are lots of different reasons and observations about what separates men and women, but last night I think I discovered a very fundamental difference:

What is a belt buckle for?
Her: Show
He: Buckling

Fashion versus practicality. Where's my Nobel prize?
I'm going to go to bed now, at 3am, so I can maybe not oversleep, which might be making me tired and pee orange.

This morning I had a dream and got up. But more about the dream. It was an interesting dream, and it involved being shrunk and then put into an exactly to scale room which was also the room you were shrunk in and you couldn't really tell exactly how tiny or huge you were because everything was still to scale and also for some reason the room was inside a car boot. That's unimportant, later in the story, possibly after returning to normal size/remaining in a to-scale model of my house I had my arms and legs cut off, and became a torso. This was quite sensational, particularly because I was at one point walking into the kitchen to grab something and I remembered I had no arms and legs and then I fell onto the floor in a heap and was kinda mopey about it.
Went to the dentist for the first time since High School. My teeth are still perfect, bitches.
Was filling up with petrol today at Woolworths Plus, and the dude who served me was AN EMO! Yes! An Australian Emo! I thought Craig was the only one.

Today Brad tries to live out his life like a sitcom, with hilarious and unexpected results.

Going to Goolwa for a few days as of this entry until Wednesday. Bought $40 worth of snacks and $60 worth of booze for it, as well as taping 3 hours of Fashion TV. On the way home from the shops the ”Brake” light on my dashboard started flashing, but ignoring it seems to have worked and I'll be driving to Goolwa and back with the goals of ”not dying” and ”avoiding trucks” as well as playing loud electronic music next to Angus' brain.
I'll also be driving without an indicator stalk, because they apparently cost fifty fucking dollars.

No Update: At Goolwa

No Update: At Goolwa

No Update: At Goolwa

No Update: I, Uh... At Goolwa

Well, Goolwa was an interesting and enjoyable time, more on that later. I'm back now, my throat hurts like fuckery and it's kind of been a sad week. You see, Dr. Russell says that Timmy has internal bleeding and there's nothing they can do. He looks so weak and he's going to die. It's omigod so sad. Also I broke up with Lori. Poor Timmy :(/
”I'm so white, during the riots I went out and bought a television.”
Ah, king of the hill. Goolwa write up later.

I got pulled over by cops today, it was exciting.
After work I went to drop the last of Lori's stuff off at her house. I wanted to leave a letter for her along the lines of ”I'm sorry, don't be sad, drink less booze, we can still be friends.” Unfortunately I didn't finish writing it before I left for work so I took the pad and pen with me and on Marion road I parked in the middle of the empty and well lit BBQ's Galore car park and wrote the rest of the letter. Satisfied that it was done, I started my car and left, pulling onto Marion road just as a cop car drove by the other way. They obviously saw me leaving the empty car park (it was around 12:30am now) and I saw them indicate to pull a Uturn so I drive nice and slow in the left lane and then through my fogged up rear-windscreen I see red and blue flashing lights. So, I pull over, and in true cliche form I've got a tail light out. They tell me there's a lot of break ins in this area and ask me why I was in the car park. I tell them I was writing a letter, and I'm not a terrorist. They believe me after they look up my name on their chunky-as palm top, take my license, caution me for the tail light and off I go. Thank God they didn't see my broken indicator stalk dangling next to the steering wheel. After I dropped Lori's stuff off, I was driving back and then right near BBQs Galore I'm stopped at some lights and I see the cop car again stopped on the other side of the lights. How amusing. And Exciting.
Also, the deaf girl says ”Whoops” too, when she makes a mistake she says ”whoops”! So WHY DOES SHE SAY OOPS WHEN SHE SEES ME? Goddamn Deaf Girls. I'm going to watch todays tape of Passions while I fall asleep now.

No Update: Too sick to write.
That's right, too sick to write stuff with a keyboard. Not lazy.

Oh Lord, my ear. It's blocked with pain, and I've eaten 50 lozenges since thursday. All I've done today is wake up and sit around until the cricket started. That was after last night when I spent the night falling asleep watching the cricket. I woke up at 3:30am with a lozenge half dissolved in my mouth. I finished that and cleaned my teeth and then slept. Being sick sucks. I did write a cooking with Brad article though. It was average.

Argh, holidays are over, back to uni tommorow at, sigh, 10am. I've probably wasted these holidays in the same way I've wasted every other holidays I've had. Go team!
Lately I've been pretty pissed off about the state of our roads. On Friday night I noticed that they've dropped the speed limit on Flagstaff Hill Road to 60kph the entire way up to the round about. I then turned on to Blacks, which was knocked down to 60 last year. And it's fucking bullshit. As is the 50k in suburban areas. When will the government learn that car accidents aren't caused by casual speeding but instead are the result of retarded drivers who will crash into stuff whatever the speed limit, legal blood-alcohol level and anti-red light running measures are. I bet that in 5 years time the suburban limit will be 40. Then I thought about it, and thought about who was really responsible for all these changes. Prime Minister John Howard and Transport Minister John Anderson. Both these dudes are over 60! Of course speed limits are going to be slow if we let old people be in charge of setting them. Everyone knows hold old people drive. What have we done, Australia, what have we done?

I had uni today and sat behind a girl with a hot neck and amos is a fucking jazz loving clown but more on that later. There's more pressing issues.

<img src=”images/timmy/big-timmy04.jpg”>
”It's not the size of the dreamer, it's the size of the dream.”

I've been up since 8:44am, but I can't go to bed. Today I woke up and Timmy was alive. Now that he's gone, once I fall alseep I don't know how I'll ever be able to get out of bed again. There's not enough frowny-face emoticons in the world to express the sadness and pain I'm feeling right now.

So I was writing this today when I got a call from work asking me to come in early, so it'll be episodic now, cool. At first it was just "What song do I think of when I think of certain people from University", but then it evolved into "Meet the people responsible for my education via a simulated dating profile". Which then, admittedly, turned into "rant with theme song tacked onto the end". I spelt everyone's name correctly so that they can use the internet to find this and sue me...
So, Episode 1
Anna Shillabeer:
Since graduating from the undergraduate course “Information Technology for Women” a few years ago, Anna has shied from the scary real world by condemning hundreds of unwitting new students to incompetent tutoring in the workshops that she somehow gets to be in charge of.
“If you have no idea about this week’s material well then you’re doing as well as I am” she says, after rocking up ten minutes late to the tutorial being held the week before exam break begins. Why does she turn up late for tutes? “I saw her at one of the tables in the IST Building just staring into space on the way here” I overheard one guy say as it seemed she would turn up late once again. When she did show, she spent 30 minutes explaining a SQL process to us, struggling through what should have taken three minutes. Finally succeeding, she then realises that she’s gotten terms mixed up and the process she’s just shown us in fact doesn’t have any relevance to us, the topic in general or basically anything else other than “proving what a inbred turd-jockey she is”.
I’m not sure what was worse, that, or when she gave the exam preview to an entire lecture theatre of computer newbies in COMP Basics the year before and completely mislead them all causing the lowest average mark in the history of the “What is a computer?” subject ever. The best way to do well in a subject where Anna is instructing you is to just skip whatever she’s teaching. At least that way you can go into the exam confident that you either know something or you don’t, not that you know stuff wrong because the administration went “Honours? Well, there’s a girl doing the degree and she’s not Asian at all, does that count as honours? Fuck, why not.” She enjoys children’s television shows and wearing fucking pink.
Personal Theme Song: Bonanza Theme

The last two days have been pretty good. I worked 5:30 - 12 Yesterday and at one point I was asked to get all the trollies in, around 8:45pm. While I was getting trollies I walked over to the Coles-Shell petrol station and claimed the free mars bar I won while wearing my Woolworths uniform, nametag and the big orange relfector-jacket that you're forced to wear when you go outside at night. Today I ate that Mars Bar and I won another. So the maths on this all is: Bartering Craig down to $2 for 2 King Size Mars Bars, One was a winner, winner was a winner, x. So right now I've effectively received four King Size Mars Bars for the less than kingly price of 50c each.
Now I have psych tommorow at nine. Here's episode two, it won't be as funny! Hurray!

Mariusz Bajger:
Hello Ladies, if you’re looking for a true learning experience, speak to Mariusz. His unidentifiable accent is deliciously adorable, which will hopefully make up for the fact that you can barely understand what he’s saying. Potentially a member of the triumphant Greek Soccer Team from Euro 2004, this achievement seems to have persuaded the high ups in the Science and Technology department to not fire him for his incredibly poor communication abilities and instead promote him to lecturer in charge of IT Apps 2, probably because they know that no one will go to those lectures anyway. It’s hard to question these people, as they are the ones responsible for Anna somehow passing and then becoming a Teacher’s Assistant. Always smiling and enthusiastic, Mariusz is the perfect man for you and will be very willing to commit as when he finally does lose his teaching job marriage will be the only thing saving him from deportation.
Personal Theme Song: Super Mario Brothers Theme.

Paul Willliamson:
"I'm hosting a piss-poor subject of no real worth" said Paul to the Dean.
"No one will come!" laughed the dean.
"No, No, let me finish, I'm going to make it a compulsary subject for second year IT students."
"Why, that's perfect, if we make Psych A and B in first year pre-requisites, and force the students to do some electives, well fudge, we could stretch the IT degree out another year!"
"Yay!" celebrated Paul. His hair, too long to be considered accidental, bounced and shined with his happy dance. "Oh, one other thing, I'm a little short on money, can we make this a two hour lecture so that I get paid for two hours instead of one, and get free coffee?"
"Do you need to?"
"I could probably comfortably fit it all into an hour, but two hours just seems more, you know, faggoty."
"What are you crazy? I can't clog up the Humanities lecture theatre for two straight hours!"
"What if we had it in a smaller lecture theatre?"
"Why, the only way that will work is if we have it on a Friday, when the Law and Commerce buildings are free. But two hours, well, you'll have to do it first thing in the morning."
"Is 8am ok?" Paul asked, beaming.
"I think 9am will work."
"Oh, please 8am!" Begged Paul, "all the IT students must be sick of having all of their lectures after midday. I'm sure they're keen for a change."
"9am, and that's my final offer" the dean chided.
"Fine," huffed Paul, "but..." the camera zoomed in, the lights dimmed and lightning struck in the background. "But, I will refuse to document the lectures on anything more than a shitty casette tape. I will choose three $100 textbooks for the assigned readings and randomly jump from text to text. And worst of all, I will not put up the lecture outline before the lecture, so that students will go to all the effort of waking up early, drinking a coffee and turning up just to find out that their two hour lecture, obviously the only thing they'd have scheduled on a Friday, is actually going to be half an hour worth of information about the course that I could have just emailed them. It will then end 90 minutes early and the students will have nothing else to do and will go home and try to go back to sleep but it will have been just enough time for them not to be able to sleep, and then they'll be walking around at their house at 10:15am going 'Why am I awake? The lecture is supposed to still be going right now but instead I am at home with nothing to do.'"
Mouth open, he laughed evilly as the camera zoomed back to reveal his pants around his ankles and a lady who was near death next to him in his car.
And that's Industrial and Orginisational Psych, the only topic in the world where you can do quite well in the assignment, take a second optional assignment to improve your chances in the exam and end up losing marks from your overall percentage. AND ALL BEFORE LUNCHTIME.
Personal Theme Song: DJ Shadow - GDMFSOB

Holy shit it's August!