I Sometimes Wish that DB1 Lecture hadn't been cancelled...
April 09 2004

Chapter One, The end of an Era
Zero score and eight years ago I was in need of a belt. I'd gotten my first pair of pants in a while that didn't just stay around my waist through the use of a drawstring. So, off to the local Target my mother went, and upon her return she gave me the belt. It was my first man's belt, so called because it was purchased from the "men's section" and it didn't have a Thomas the Tank Engine belt buckle. Other belts would come and go, but Target Leather Brown, RRP $12 would spend years with me in and off and on relationship depending on what I was wearing. I wore it to social events, weddings, funerals, job interviews, jobs, nights out, when I wore my jeans outside. It was always there for me whenever I wanted 'not black', which was a lot.

However, time and weather and whipping children are cruel to Target Leather Brown, and the day came were it was destroyed, the buckle half ripped apart. So, as my database lecture was cancelled today, I headed to 'the mall' to find a new belt. Unfortunately this meant facing one of my greatest fears, going into a clothing shop.

Chapter Two, The Dilemma
You see, I hate clothing shops. I was born with a crippling mental problem where I am unable to interpret whether a shirt has been designed for men, or for women. This has obviously made shirt purchasing very difficult, and I have been forced to purchase my shirts from "My Mum buys me clothes" Menswear outlets, making my own shirts, or from markets in Bali. Unfortunately this isn't very classy, and I've spent years being fashion handicapped. Which doesn't help with women. The conundrum:

I need a woman to help me find an appropriate shirt.
I need an appropriate shirt to find a woman.
For years I've been deadlocked in this deadly embrace. Yet today, whilst looking for a belt, I decided to take a risk and attempt to buy a fashionable shirt. This would hopefully directly link me to hot sex, possibly with one or more supermodels preferably of European or Latin descent. I mean, that's the only reason men truly buy fashionable clothes. If it weren't for women men would simply be like "Well, sure the pants are a little to big around the waist, but I'll just use some rope as a belt and wear long socks. The grease stains will probably get washed out next time I go for a walk in the rain and I'll just patch up the holes with gaffa tape". Anyway, I picked the shirt, Italian Designed Mossimo, latest season, fresh new fashion. It was expensive, so I assumed that meant it was classy. I tried it on, it fit and it only accentuated my man breasts to a degree I felt I could deal with. At this stage, I was 100% sure it was a man's shirt. Logic: It was in the men's half of the store. My helpful friend Keren pointed out to me that stores would have their men's clothing on one side, and their women's clothing on the other. This seemed to be on the men's side, so +1 to men's.

So, I take the shirt to the counter where the counter woman takes it from me and says "Ah, you want this shirt." Suddenly I panic, I start thinking that maybe the shirt rack was kind of close to the middle of the store. By then it was too late, I'd paid for the shirt and walked out. 'Oh well', I thought, 'I'm still 90% sure this is a man's shirt'.

I got back to university and chatted to Chow about this and that during the programming lecture. What a nerdy lecture that was. I told Chow about my new shirt and how I was 90% sure that it was a man's shirt because the sides were straight and not curvy (thanks Keren) although it did show my belly button and midriff, but I passed that off as Italian design.

Chow and Sam, who we acquired leaving the lecture, visited my car to see the shirt as we prepared to leave for the day. I showed them the shirt, and they commented that it was a girls shirt for sure, as the sleeves were short and the collar looked thin and girly. At this stage I was still 60% sure it was a guys shirt. I decided on the drive home that in the event that it was a girls shirt, I would continue to wear it anyway and possibly start a new fashion in the process. After all, I had experience with girl shirts. Besides, Chow spends his time ricing his computer and Sam continually stresses that he's a heterosexual so what the hell would either of them know about fashion anyway?

I got home and put it on and showed it to Alex, my brother, and he said it wasn't a girls shirt. He's only 14, but he has female friends and talks to them a lot on MSN so I put his opinion higher than Sam and Chows. Then Mum got home, and said it looked good on me and wasn't a girls shirt. This set off alarm bells, because usually mum makes this kind of shit up. "You look good in that?", "You look very handsome". Normally when she says this I take it as the exact opposite. Then Steve came home and said I had style because of the shirt so I was 75% sure it was a guys shirt. But, I'm still kind of insecure about it, so here's a photo of me in it and please tell me what gender this goddam shirt is.

Chapter Three, I also did end up getting that belt
And I swear if this is a girls shirt then I'll never shop at Sportsgirl again.

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